The Worst Person in the World signing in. Hello all.
My day has been quite pleasurable in various ways so far. I thought that Fortuna might be cursing me from the moment I awoke, because my room was cold and my cat was nowhere to be found. I was in the midst of a dream in which I was 150 pounds thinner, had abs, and I was spanning time with a red-haired goddess, reciting poetry and taking body shots when I was rudely awoke by Anemoi's (the God of wind) treacherous tactics. The wind was whipping accross the window of my 8X10 room and it was truly frigid due to a lack of proper window seals (a matter which I do intend to take up with my landlord. She will perhaps be brought to court over this inconvenience). I phoned my neighbor to come over and turn up the heat so I would not have to leave my bed and perhaps provide me with some homeade lasagna, just enough food to give me the strength in my legs to take the wheezing 4 block transmigration to the Donut King.
Alas, my neighbor could not get inside my house. One of my shortsighted roommates had locked the door, thus rendering my efforts useless. I was nearly foaming at the mouth due to the catastrophe I had suffered so early in my day. However, due to the everlasting flame of the American Spirit that burns so deep inside me, I was able to overcome the tribulations I had suffered and rise above it.
The journey to Donut King was one of reflection on the state in which I live in before it was graciously interrupted by what I believed to be Aphrodite herself. I had stopped for a Ten Minute Break when at the 8 minute mark a little Goddess of Jewish or Italian decent walked by captivating my consideration of attention. I walked behind her completely engrossed and fascinated with her figure. How long has it been since I have felt the soft touch of a woman. 3 months? 6? It might as well be five years for all it's worth.
As fate would certainly have it, she too was going to the Donut King. She was right in front of me still while in line but I almost began to forget that Venus, the Goddess of Love, was in my presence when I saw the glistening light and pulchiritude emanating from the Boston Cream doughtnuts. I ordered my 6 doughnuts and took residence at the booth adjacent to this lady of interest. The doughnuts were soft and fresh, warm and creamy. They tickled my senses and satisfied my growling stomach with all of its primitive and primordial needs. I began to imagine that it was only in America that you could get such delicious food on such a regular basis.
But again I was distracted by my neighbors beauty and soon felt deep rooted resentment come alive inside me burning nearly as much as my American passion. I decided to approach her.
She was reading "A Concise History of Italy" by Christopher Duggan and had an Obama For President pin on her cloth bookbag.
"Salutations young lady. I was admiring your presence from afar when I felt the necessity come alive inside my being to present myself for closer inspection and common conversation. In my opinion, it is very necessary to stay involved in the current state of politics you know. I feel as if the government is growing like a giant snake and I admire your support for B. Hussein Obama. He may be exactly what our nation needs at such a trying time."
She stared at me with a look caught halfway between confusion and about to burst with laughter, but I am sure that she was simply massively impressed with my rhetoric, intelligence and conversation tactics. I had already nearly made her blush with my flowery compliments.
"Um, I'm don't really know too much about politics. I'm just reading this book for class and some kid gave me this Obama pin" she said.
"Well, no need to get down on yourself" I said, sticking my chest out, making my entire torso seem like a giant barrel. "Although I have almost 5000 posts on an internet forum for local politics, I too consider myself somewhat of an amateur. I do know, however, that our government is getting very large and out of control with it's spending habits, taxation and limits on our Constitution. What do you think our President Obama plans to do about this?"
"What? I don't know" she said somewhat feebly. I had broken her down and I was now in control. "Obama's going to lower taxes for the middle class which is going to help me and my parents help pay for my college. Plus I think he's really going to create a lot of jobs. I'm sorry, I really have to keep reading. Do you, like, need something from me?"
"Guffaw! Job creation? Don't insult me with such nonsense! Because of the negative Wall Street response to Obama's election, I will probably never see my dream of becoming a Hedge Fund investment manager coming true! And as for his tax breaks, it will be nothing more than Tax Refund Vouchers redeemable for twenty inch rims in inner city neighborhoods!"
"Ugh, whatever, I have to go." She closed her book quickly, lifted her coffee and left.
Another mind blown away.
I treated myself to a bagel sandwich with egg, bacon, ham and cheese to eat on my taxi ride home.
I can't help but predict that the downfall of our society will be Barack Obama raising taxes for the rich while giving the poor more money with which to spend on shiny wheels for their Lincoln towncars, dew rags, puffy jackets to conceal their weapons in, flat brimmed hats, and Nike Bape shoes.
No comments:
Post a Comment