Hello to all. I have a very important announcement to make. The Cheeseburger Man himself has found a soulmate. Now please contain your reservations, I know what you are thinking; soulmate is not a real word. Normally I would realize my grammatical error, scoff and perhaps chunder at such a blunder, but not tonight because I am truly in love with the godess of heaven above.
However, I feel it necessary to talk about my wonderful Christmas holiday first. My family is an invaluable and meritorious extension of my being and part of my life. I truly love them with all of my unhealthy heart, complete with thickened arteries and clogged ventricles. I could not afford to purchase them any presents this year at the risk of ruining my own distinctive plans for my cat. The plans for the perfect cat present would surely be ruined at the expensive of wasteful rubbish gifts for others.
I swiftly contacted Home Depot for them to install 60 square feet of carpeting in my living room and kitchen. I chose the Beaulieu of America brand for it's superior looping and sagebrush pattern. Every square foot of space in my living room and kitchen is covered with carpet, along with pillars of various heights and sizes. This is truly the most epic feature of my house and I am now truly free from the constraints that society has placed upon me for feline care. My cat is now available to crawl amoung the various pillars and engage in complete rampant behaviour without restraint. I have created a soft, carpeted cat city for her. I plan to put on my silverback gorilla costume once weekly, stuffed with catnip and the scent of fresh swordfish, and invade the cat city. I will wreak havok and hopefully be attacked with much passion, perhaps to the point of indignation. Nothing I can possibly fathom could bring me greater emotion and joy. I will be the invicible Godzilla of cat city, arms waiving about and legs stomping on the soft, lush, newly installed carpet.
Now, Gentleman. Please contain yourselves as the name I am about to mention may send you into a complete frenzy or perhaps make your swoon, causing you to hit your head on your marble countertops, sending you into a 3 week coma perhaps in the worst case scenario. The Cheeseburger Man has fell in love with Beyonce and plans on proposing to her upon the next proper sunet in which I feel fit. I must find out where she lives of course, but this should be not an obstacle of any difficulty or significance to a man of my intelligence.
See, I was reading through the new Essence magazine when I realized that she is the perfect angel of all. A truly classy, legendary broad, as stated by her own words even! What ecstasy!
My only disparangement of her character comes in this quote which is found on page 129 of Essence, November 2008; "What Jay and I have is real. It's not about interviews or getting the right photo op. It's real." I am completely appaled that one would assume such a true hearted women with such fantastic intentions would ever be questioned or asked to validate her feelings for Jay-Z. However, I can only feel pity and sadness for Jay himself, because his fame and pride in dating Beyonce is about to be outdone and overshadowed by yours truly. I can only assume that Beyonce is lovely enough to appreciate cats and the various structures that can be built to accomodate their needs and primitive desires to tear apart carpeted pillars and catnip. In this sense, I have Mr. Jay Z beat. Therefore, it is only a matter of time before Beyonce succumbs to my sexual advances and letters signed in melted irresistable cheeseburger grease.
I fear my only obstacle may be my slightly overweight proportions. This is where I must ask my readership and fellow Americans to recommend me a diet in which I may lose 80lbs in 2 months or less. Keep in mind that I am an American and this diet must require that I not change my regular exercise habits, which there are none to begin with, nor must it change my eating habits. There is nothing I enjoy more than the consumption of cheesesteaks and raw cheeseburgers, so I will be damned if I sacrifice anything for anything less than the brozen beauty known to the cheeseburger american public as Beyonce, my true love and desire.
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