Everyone knows that the Super Bowl is the greatest event and holiday of the year. It is highly regarded around the world and will hopefully break 100 million viewers this year. Kurt Warner and Ben Roethlisberger are both true, grisly American heros and the Cheeseburger Man approves of them.
More importantly the era of the Super Bowl has marked the epoch of American consumption. The Super Bowl has come to stand for so much more than just the championship of American Football. It has become an epitome of American culture and lifestyle, and for this reason, I absolutely adore the Super Bowl. A historic battle takes place on sacred turf while 90 million people sit on their couch, laugh at over the top commercials for Campbells Soup, Budweiser, Pizza Hut, TD Waterhouse and various American full size pickup trucks. We gorge ourselves to capacity with food, which I embarassingly confess to my audience is my favorite aspect of all.
Many have sent me emails asking for my God-like perspective on what I will be eating for the Super Bowl. I am an honest and humble man, and am not 100% in love with the idea of revealing to my audience my plans for my schmorgazboard of food delights that I will be furiously devouring with great passion, but I am giddy with excitement at the thought and cannot help myself. I am so very much better than you in every way, and my Super Bowl food will trounce yours by a long shot.
I plan on having at least 50 buffalo wings. There will be at least four types of flavourful sauces with which to envelop the tender chicken wings, including Ranch, bbq, bleu cheese, and nacho cheese. I will also have a massive 3cc, 10 gauge syringe on hand with which to inject cheese into the wings with. Besides the nacho cheese, there will be melted pepperjack. There will be 9 different flavours of DORITOS, including some out-of-production retro flavors, such as Taco (which hails from the early 70s) and "All American Classic", which is in fact a cheeseburger flavored Dorito chip.
Speaking of cheeseburgers, I have made a great discovery on the internets; cheeseburger in a can. This remarkable invention is the greatest of the decade, and I have placed an order for 3 cases for my Super Bowl celebration. Of course, I will not eat all of them in one day, but I will definitely try. Obviously their canned nature makes them suitable for later consumption. The cooking process for Canned Cheeseburger is extrodinary and wonderfully appetizing. You simply boil water in a pot and cook the can for 10 minutes before opening and feasting on its contents. I have not figured out how to cook it medium rare though, this will take some reseach. It is a German product, and I'm more than confident that it will be more scumptious than the 2008 BMW M5 Touring.
I have my doubts that they might not have enough cheese, so I will also have Kraft singles on hand (for emergency). To compliment the canned Cheeseburger, I will have hand cut Oreada Freedom Fries, topped with melted provolone, Old Bay Seasonings, vinegar, and mayonaise. There will also be beer battered onion rings, torilla chips with spinach cheese dip, chili dip and roasted artichoke salsa.
For my second course, I am preparing lamb and chicken kabobs; American style. I will neatly arrange succulent chunks of lamb, chicken and vegetables onto skewers then inject them with cheese and deep fry them. This will bring me into halftime. I have contacted Olive Garden for my third course which will hopefully arrive during the break of the football game. They are delivering a party size tray of spaghetti in a white wine scallop and clam sauce. I am currently in the process of developing a Freetoh plate in which to serve my pasta on, so that once I have eaten my share of pasta, I can enjoy eating the greasy, scallop flavored Freetoh plate afterwards. I am experimenting with crushing Freetohs and mixing them with pork fat at different termperatures before forming them into a plate, and I feel as if I am on the verge of a breakthrough.
My drink of choice for the football game will of course be Pepsi. Perhaps to celebrate the special occasion (Super Bowl is only once a year after all) I will most likely be adding sugar to my Pepsi so it can get that thickened molasses-like consistency that nature seemed to forget when making PEPSI.
To summarize: wake up morning of Super Bowl and start pounding buffalo wings like it's my last meal. Chase with Doritos and squirt hot cheese into my mouth with a syringe. Boil 8 liters of water and cook a dozen canned cheeseburgers. Deep fry lamb, pork and chicken (all injected with cheese). Free-toh plates and scallop pasta for dinner. Fall into a 2 day slumber because my heart will probably be slowed to a crawl after the 350 grams of fat, 8000 mg of sodium and 10,500 empty calories I have just eaten. CAN'T WAIT FOR THE SUPERBOWL.
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