Hello to all my distinguished readers.
Today has certainly been a glorious one. I have just consumed the entire $28 value package from Atlas Pizza which is located an epic, coughing and panting journey of 3 blocks away from my home. The value package is a remarkable and epic meal. It consists of one cheese pizza pie which I loaded with crushed red pepper and Parmesan cheese, one 12" cheesesteak, 12 hot wings and a two liter plastic bottle filled with Pepsi directly from the factory.
While one would imagine that I should feel full and content after such a feast, I am left with a feeling of emptiness inside. My overworked heart feels heavy in my chest and not for the standard reasons, which is the fact that I am overweight and have a staunch refusal to exercise. I also have thickened arteries resembling that of a 50 year old man.
Anyways, I digress. The Cheeseburger Man like any living monogamous Homo Sapien on this lonely planet requires a companion of which to span time with for 1000 years. I need a woman to accompany me on my arduous journeys outside of my house to buy food and toilet paper. Perhaps she can cook for me when I am in the middle of World of Warcraft tournaments so that my Digorno's Pizzas do not overcook in the oven, or maybe she can feed me while I am in the middle of the a Gran Turismo IV Endurance Race at the Circuit de la Sarthe when one cannot afford to take his hands off the controller for even a fraction of a second.
I am going to use the rest of this post as what some might call a personal ad. I am going to also take this time to overcome some objections that might arise upon posting this.
Objection 1: "Hey Cheeseburger Man, why don't you just get on eHarmony or Match.com?"
Answer: Guffaw. EHarmony is nothing but a site for pathetic Christian losers. Why don't you go PRAY to JESUS in CHURCH on SUNDAY to fix you up with a mate? Oh, that's right, because GOD isn't real and PRAYING is an abberation to logical thinking. Match.com as well is for the lonely nonsocial types who have nothing better than to use the internet to meet someone. Might as well join /b/ looking for a mate.
Objection 2: "Unfortunate Cheseburger American, why you not take Vlad's advise? Take self to ATM and then to many lady clubs. Project [Ed: Club] Risque has many beautiful prostitute, look like 16 year old. They gives you lap dances, Cheeseburger Man, make blowout in dungarees while drink Absolut vokda on rocks."
Answer: Listen, VLAD. I know it might be European customs to spend all of your hard earned money at Gentleman's Clubs, but here, in AMERICA, we do things a little more properly, with chivalry and TACT. Making a "blowout" in your "dungarees" is truly repulsive, and it is this Cheeseburger Man's opinion that blowouts should only be made into a consenting womans birth canal with the use of a condom.
Objection 3: "Hey Fatass, why don't you try leaving your house for once? You know, go DO SOMETHING outside for a change? Go to a bar, or a bookstore and meet a girl. Join a yoga class. Or go to a gym. You're not going to meet any chicks online you pathetic troglodyte. Take me for example; I fucking work out at the gym 6 days a week. I take my suppliments and spend 30 minutes on the stairmaster. A fat loser like yourself probably think's that shit is gay. Well, lemme ask you something; how is working the largest muscle group in your body gay? Didn't think it was, it's all about dedication and giving it your all. That's ME in the gym with the UnderArmour Headband on and the cutoff sleeved Florida Gator t-shirt. You see those bulging biceps? That's the direct result of hitting the bricks hard son. You see this fucking sculpted chest? That's where Passion and Perseverance meet. You should try it sometime you geek. I got an Audi A4 and a slammin' hot hardbodied girlfriend. I don't even know if she has a brain or whatever, but she keeps her mouth shut, unless she's giving me some dome. She actually just finished using her mouth on my moan-maker. Shit was SO cash bro. Why be afraid of the unknown when you can CONQUER IT?"
Answer: Listen you coward. I don't know where you get off thinking I want to hear about your meathead gymnasium regiment or your disgusting oral sex with your bulimic, fake blond haired girlfriend. You must think the A4 is a good car huh? Couldn't afford the S4 I guess; your job as a construction worker might not afford you such a luxury. I actually personally know a girl who has a RS6 Avant and she can heel-toe downshift while wearing her Ferragamo pumps. You probably can't even drive a standard transmission. Just so you know, the steroids you're taking are making your heart just as horrible as mine. That's what the Greeks call a paradox.
Now that I have considered the effort required to find a compatible mate, I am put off. I only have enough love for food, cars, videogames, my cat and eating. A woman in my life would surely distract me from the more important aspects of my being.
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